


Wish Upon a Star

by Vivien



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Diary fic, F/M, I will always find you, Mutual Pining, Pining, ben solo is a flowery writer, journal fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:30:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivien/pseuds/Vivien
Summary: When Ben Solo exiles himself on a random planet in order to atone, he finds his mother packed him a calligraphy set. He keeps a diary of his existence, while Rey, cut off from him in the Force, tracks him down the only way she can.





	Wish Upon a Star

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the RFFA mods, Alexandra and Cecilia, who made this little trifle much sweeter in the end.

_ Day 3 _

_ I found this journal, along with a calligraphy set, hidden amongst the crates of essentials Mother ensured was loaded on the escape pods when I was jettisoned onto this planet. It was kind of her. Beyond kind. Not only to help me escape, but to let me go with grace. And with the tools with which to write down my thoughts. _

_ There are times when I wish I’d stayed, faced whatever punishment that would have been meted out to me. Whenever I think of Rey, which is all the damned time, I wonder if things could have been different, if I served a prison sentence or was formally exiled, instead of taking that action myself. But most likely, I’d have been executed, quickly and quietly, and while I don’t deserve much, I don’t seek the oblivion of death quite yet. _

_ She’ll be better off without me. _

_ Tomorrow I need to work on further shoring up my shelter. The weather has been mild, so far, but that will change when the winter cycle approaches. There are a series of caves a click or two away that I need to explore as possible permanent dwelling sites. The survival tent isn’t big enough for me to stretch my legs all the way out when I sleep, and I’d like a more solid roof over my head. _

_ I like it here. I like being alone; I like keeping my hands and my body busy with my survival. It was worth cutting myself off from the Force. _

_ It’s better this way. _

***

Rey sat on the flat rock tucked into the woods behind the main base. Her eyes were closed against the dappled sunlight beaming down through the leaves. One of the many multicolored butterflies flitting about the forest landed on her nose, but she was deep in meditation and didn’t so much as twitch at the intrusion.

Leia knew that the pirate ship she’d hired through a third (and fourth and fifth) party had been headed towards the Outer Rim, but that was all she knew. Ben had been dropped in two escape pods over an isolated but habitable planet. She confided this to Rey the night Rey broke down in tears, Ben’s presence in the Force ceasing so abruptly that Rey feared the worst.

With Leia’s news, she was certain he wasn’t dead. She couldn’t explain how she was sure, but he wasn’t. He was hiding. From her, from the Galaxy, from himself.

She was proficient with locating exiled Skywalkers. He wouldn’t stay hidden for long.

 

* * *

 

 

_ Day 174 _

_ Now that the weather has become warmer, I’ve left the inner cave’s confines. I’m spending the evenings on top of it, with a fire burning beside me as I stretch out under the stars. The night sky here is more beautiful with each season I experience. A comet streaked through the sky a few days ago, its tail glinting purple, silver, and green. I’d never seen one with those colors before. Last night a meteor shower followed it, and the sky flashed with silver streaks. It was so heavy at first that I thought perhaps it was raining. _

_ I remember watching a meteor shower in Hanna City, when I was really little. Mother and Dad were both there, for a change, and we hopped on a skimmer to drive to the outskirts of the city, where there was less artificial light and the sky was darker. There were only a few streaks of light, and after the first one dashed across the sky, I remember Mother telling me to make a wish. Dad laughed, and I did. _

_ It didn’t come true, of course. _

_ It’s strange, but the last few nights as I watched the sky, I felt as if Rey was with me. That’s impossible, since I’m not connected to the Force any longer. Our bond can no longer exist, nor do I want it to. But it felt like she was stretched out beside me, her fingers brushing against mine, like that first time in her hut, as we stared up into the night sky. _

_ I made another wish last night. It won’t come true, and it was ridiculous of me, perhaps. I won’t write it down here. It will stay with the fleeting flashes across that deep purple black sky. _

***

Rey can’t break through his block. Sometimes she gets close. Sometimes she can just make out what he sees wherever he is. But she can’t make contact with him, and she can’t discern his surroundings.

She can catch brief glimpses of the stars in their particular configurations as Ben looks up from the planet where he’s exiled himself. During one deep meditative session, she watches a comet with a sparkling multicolored tail traverse the black sky.

That’s a start, at least. If she can figure out where a comet of that size, shape, and color tumbles through the Outer Reaches, then she can pinpoint the planet.

She has no doubt she’ll find him. It just might take a little longer than she thought.

 

* * *

 

 

Day 215

_ I did something utterly careless and unacceptable today. I daydreamed of her, wishing she were there beside me, talking to her so I can hear a voice, even if it’s my own, over the birdsong and insects. The days are getting cooler once again, so I’ve been chopping wood to stockpile for the winter cycle. I was so wrapped up in my dreams of talking to her - about nothing, mind you. Just talking about random things. Normal things. Anyway, I was so wrapped up that I missed the log on a downswing and nearly chopped off my foot. I have a med kit, but that won’t help. _

_ So I’ve made a decision. I can’t stop thinking about Rey, but I can control when I do it. From now on I contain it to these pages or when I’m not actively working to survive. Here, though, in writing, I can dream of her all I like. It will be fine, because no one will ever read these words, and that way I can live. Both in this world I’ve landed upon and in my head where I can escape. _

_ I wish she’d walk in through the entrance of the cave and come sit beside me. She’d say something like, “You’re terrible at living on your own.” I’d reply that I don’t have anyone to trade or barter with, that being alone in your head and completely alone in your life are two different things entirely. She’d crinkle her nose at me and call me ridiculous. Then her fingers would slide over my hand, taking mine in hers, and she’d tell me of how she got through her own exile on Jakku. She’d tell me about her parents, and how when they were gone, it was almost better for her, in some ways, than when they were living, dragging her along through their sad excuse for lives. One tear might leak from an eye, and I would lean in and kiss it away. She’d look up at me, like she did that night in Ahch-To, her eyes wet and full of hope and fear, and she’d press her lips to mine. We’d never be alone again. _

***

There are many comets crossing many corners of the Galaxy, Rey learns. There are only a few with the color combination she glimpsed in Ben’s comet’s tail. Only one can be found in the Outer Reaches, and when she tracks that one down, she narrows her search to six systems of near nothingness.

This may be like finding a salt crystal in a sand dune, Rey thinks as she blasts off planetside on the Falcon. She plots a course in the nav computer. “I’m coming for you, Ben Solo,” she mutters, “and when I find you, I’m going to…”

What? What would she do? Kiss him, kill him, give him a piece of her mind?

Maybe all three and a few more besides.

 

* * *

 

Day 231

_ I can’t believe that I’m to a point where I’d give my winter food stockpile for a chance to speak to kriffing Armitage Hux. I’m packing some of that food and heading out tomorrow before it gets too much colder. I just want to walk a few days in one direction, to see if there is any sign of habitation here. Surely there’s someone sentient on this forested rock. _

_ I know it’s risky, since there are probably multiple bounties on my head, but I need to talk to someone besides myself. _

_ I would take Rey to a beautiful place for a vacation, if I could. Maybe to Naboo, to the lake district where my biological grandmother was raised. That’s always been a favorite place for me to visit. I’d tell Rey what I know about her, show her the statue of the former Queen in the palace in the capital city. She’d say that she was beautiful and grand, and then she’d make some joke about how her grandson tries for the same but fails miserably. No, she wouldn’t say that joke; she’s never been that unkind to me, even when teasing. But I would, and she’d shake her head and tell me to stop that, and then I’d take her to the outdoor market and buy her every delicacy that caught her eye, just so she could have a taste of anything she wanted. _

_ I hope she’s getting enough to eat these days. I hope she’s happy. I wish she was here. _

 

Day 232

_ I didn’t get very far on my trek today. I was a few miles down the valley when I came across a creature trapped in a small sinkhole. I think it’s a baby of its kind; it looks like a Rodian tapir but much, much smaller. It must have lost its parent and wandered away, and by the look of the bones sticking out on its sides, it may have been in that hole a while. It was making a terrible wailing whimper and I couldn’t pass by and leave it to die. So I helped it out and went on my way, but the damned thing wouldn’t stop following me, not even when I threw a rock and yelled in its direction. I saw that it had a limp, and even with it being saved from the hole, I don’t think it will last long out here. _

_ So I picked it up and lugged it back here. Rey would say I was ridiculous. Then she would croon over the stupid beast’s whuffling nose and feed it a crust of bread. I can see her smiling at it. _

***

The first two systems have a few habitable planets. Rey spends her time scouring them. While there are some scattered settlements and cities, Ben doesn’t seem to be in any of them. 

He’s out there. But this hunt has become much more difficult than she imagined it would be.  


Sometimes she holds her hand over the nav computer, just feeling, waiting, sensing. It's almost like the ship is trying to help, she thinks, to find the lost boy who once sat in the co-pilot's chair.

 

* * *

 

Day 364

_ It’s so damnably cold. Even with Whuffle sharing his body heat under the rescue blankets, I shiver through some nights. I try to keep the fire banked, but the smoke trapped under this cave’s rocks is also hard to deal with. I’m down to the protein rations and dried berries, since I had to share some of my food with this ridiculous creature that adopted me. _

_ I’m not in a good place. I’m filthy, tired, and in despair. I’d end it all now, if I could. I have my saber. All it would take would be one swift stroke, and I’d be one with the Force. _

_ But then there would be no one to care for Whuffle. While I talk to him like he can understand me and Rey is there, she’s not. I’ve put this much effort into tending him, so I am going to try to stick it out a little longer. The winter cycle will surely be over soon. _

***

When the Falcon emerges from hyperspace to hang in front of a blue and green world in the Hexlar system, Rey shivers. She doesn’t know if it’s the Force or her own keening desire to find Ben that causes it, but she thinks that maybe this time, she’ll get lucky. She’s followed the comet, tracking it along the reaches of space, from world to world, and now she’s here.

Maybe he will be, too.

 

* * *

Day 380

_ If I don’t get out of this cave soon, I’ll go mad and take Whuffle with me. The snow has melted enough and the days are getting warm again. We’re going on a trek together. I’m going to find a settlement, or, at the very least, a better place to live for the warm months. Since I’ve been here a standard year, I have a good sense of what I need to find. _

_ I’m not staying here. There’s a whole world outside to explore. _

_ I want to be up on a rise, for better view, away from the marshland that teems with mosquitoes when it’s hot. I’ll walk through the forest, pretending Rey is beside me, and we’ll name the trees, the flowers, the birds. I don’t know what this world calls them, but they should have names. _

_ First, though, I’m going to take what will likely be a breathtakingly cold bath in the lake to the south. I’m pulling Whuffle in with me. He stinks. _

***

She finds the remains of a camp within the first standard week of flybys over this beautiful forest world. There is a clearing big enough for the Falcon close by, and she follows the freshly made trail, her staff by her side, into the woods. The comet would be streaking through the atmosphere in a night or two, by her calculations, and with every step, more shivers streaked up her spine. She was close. She knew it.

She can’t feel him in the Force, but she can feel him in her heart. 

Making as little noise as she could, she follows a rough path into the woods. She’s not sure of woodcraft and tracking, but she trusts the Force. More importantly, she trusts her heart.

Also, there are footprints in the dirt of the path. That helps.

After a few hours of hiking along under the thick trees, watching for more footprints, broken sticks, trod upon moss, she enters a clearing.

There he is. He’s sitting on the ground, petting a ridiculous-nosed creature as he shares a meal of berries with it. He’s so thin and scruffier than she’d ever thought he could be. He was obviously really terrible at this whole going it alone thing.   


Rey clamps a shaking hand over her mouth, as tears burn behind her eyes. He looks up, startled, and his eyes widen and his mouth forms a silent o.

 

* * *

 

Day 382

_ I don’t have to dream any longer. She’s here. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I’d gone crazy for real, until she spoke. She found me. Even without the connection we share, she found me.  _

_ I held her close, and she kissed me, and later that night, we watched the meteor showers in the dark, skin to skin, and it was better than any dream or any imagining I could have ever written. _

_ Whuffle is terribly jealous, but the way Rey coos and cuddles him, I don’t think he will be long. _

_ She’s here. I’m not alone. And neither is she. _


End file.
